Nowhere Man
by StephanoRainbow
Summary: This is the story about a high school student who is desperate for a girlfriend. He looks everywhere for a girlfriend, but they're all evil, crazy, or wrong. Also, lots of references and the lyrics come from Jon Cozart's "After Ever After" and "After Ever After 2".


"Noah! You're going to be late for school!" I woke up and immediately got dressed and ate breakfast. Mom was making breakfast. She made eggs, bacon, and toast. Wow, mom must've worked hard. There's no beard hair in my food! Okay, that probably sounded weird to you. My father died at war and my mother became...is it okay to call your mother insane? So insane that she grows a beard and mustache and cuts her hair just like dad's. I feel like the only sane person in this family. Even if there's only two people in this family...anyway, I'm Noah Fa, son of Mark and Millicent Fa. No, not Maleficent, Millicent. Yes, I know it's a weird name. My mother is the weirdest person on earth. Well, I go to school on the bus and see my best friend Ringo. He's awesome. He loves apples. He tells you neat facts of fandoms just for one apple. He's like the Fandom King at my school. So, I gave him an apple while sitting next to him and said

"So, tell me...the most epic crossover ever!"

"Bolin and Mako are fighting over Korra as Warrior Cats are...acting like cats and Tardis is in the background and the tenth doctor's head pops out and then he has an awkward face on when he sees cats and fighting, so he awkwardly leaves with Tardis."

"There's a picture online that has all that?"

"No.*crunch*That was my imagination." I smiled as I noticed some girls smiling at Ringo. I get that Ringo has cool spiked up black hair and doesn't care on what he does, but he shouldn't have fangirls just because he's eating an apple. I'm sick and tired of everyone having someone but me. I may be in highschool, but it's time to start dating. Suddenly, the bus stops. I look out the window and see our school. Jon Cozart High School. Jon Cozart is as famous as Albert Einstein because of his singing, acting, editing, and being himself most of all. I don't know why he built a high school, but he did.

"Noah...Ringo…" We heard behind us. We turned around as I felt someone touch my shoulder. I jumped around and saw a dark creepy figure. Oh. It's Carter. I know right;the creepiest kid in school's name is Carter. You would figure it would be something like Ryuk, or Reaper, or something dark and scary like that. But, nope...it's Carter. He's cool once you get to know him. Surprisingly, his number one fandom is My Little Pony.

"Hey, Carter. What's up."

"My sister died." Don't worry, you get used to it after awhile...I think...I still get goosebumps when Carter says something like that.

"Hey, guys! Was your homework hard last night?" A girl said. Oh. It's Raina. She's the wisest and most trusted person in the world. At least, that's my opinion. When I'm going through hard times, I always go to her. She's been my friend since kindergarten and we won't forget each other. Even when we marry other people.

"Hi Raina. Oh, hey, can you help me out with something."

"Sure! Anything for you, Noah." Before Raina and I splitted from the group, Ringo whispered

"Good luck. Don't make any wrong moves." What? Ringo is so random sometimes. Anyway, I say to Raina

"I want a girlfriend."

"REALLY!?"

"And I want you to help me find one." Raina's face then looked sad for some reason.

"Oh...okay...I'll go look into it now…" Raina started running away. That's my friend. Always excited to help. But, during class, Ringo whispered

"Dude, what did you do to Raina?! She's been crying in the bathroom all day."

"What? Why is that?"

"You made a wrong move. You should speak Mario to her next time. By the way, this talk costs you an apple." ...What!? Did Ringo lose his mind?! Please don't make Ringo as crazy as my mother!*shudder**takes deep breath*Okay...okay, Ringo does these kinds of things. All he wants is an apple. Why didn't he just ask for one?! Well, I secretly pass Ringo an apple as I see more girls smiling dreamily at Ringo. Raina better have a girl by the end of the day. Well, at the end of the day, I went up to Raina and said

"You have a pretty girl I can date?"

"Yeah. Here she is." Raina shoved a packed file at me and marched away. I looked in the folder and saw a girl named Aspen. She looks nice. She has long red hair with freckles. Cool. This file has her number too. I'll call her tomorrow.

Aspen

"I love being a princess down-in. This beautiful ocean blue. But mermaids are going missing. They end up in someone's stew. So just try to put yourself into somebody else's gills. You're killing my ecosystem. With fishing and oil spills. Oh no! Thanks to BP. Thanks BP. The british are killing, oil is spilling, now I can't see! MY EYES! Chinamen feast on Flounder's fins, plus the japanese killed all my whale friends. Oceans are browning, I think I'm drowning, thanks to BP. YOU SUCK!"

Well, I got home, picked up the phone, dialed her number while hesitating a few times, and listened to the purr that the phones makes. I'm a Warrior Cats fan, so don't judge.

"Hello? Eric?"

"Eric? Uh, no, my name is Noah."

"Noah…?"

"Noah Fa. I go to Jon Cozart High School."

"Oh yeah. You're the skinny tan nerd." ...Is that really what people see me as?

"Well, Aspen, I was wondering if you'd like to go on...a...date."

"*gasp*That'd be great! I love having dates! I didn't know you did dates!"

"I didn't 'till now. Anyway, where would you like to go-"

"Tardis Beach! That place is always a mess!"

"...Okay…"

"Great! See you there tomorrow at five!" And the girl hung up. That was a bit weird...and who's this Eric? Oh well. All I could think of was everyone at school being shocked that I have a girlfriend. Aspen is very pretty, a little weird, but kind. Although, I've only knew her for about two years. As long as I've been in high school. I hope this date works. The next day, at school, Raina wouldn't even look me in the eyes. She gave me the silent treatment and I have no clue why. What did I do wrong?! Also, I saw my friend Rick today. He was gone. He went to Comic Con. He is SOOO lucky. Rick told me every detail. Comic Con sounds like heaven. He said he got to meet Pewdiepie, Tyler Oakley, and Shane Dawson. I'm soooo jealous! I wish my family were that rich. Anyway, I told Rick about Aspen.

"Wow, you actually found a date!"

"Yeah. Aspen is kind, no?"

"...Sure. As long as you're happy."

"Wait, what was for the long pause?"

"..." Rick then left and headed for class. Why is everyone acting so strange? Is there something weird about Aspen? Well, after school, and at five, I was on Tardis Beach. I saw Aspen with gloves and two big trash bags.

"What are those for?"

"We're on a date. Do Approve Trash Eviscerate. D.A.T.E.! I love coming to Tardis Beach to clean up and make it sparkle. Plus, I get to see my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?!" Aspen went in the water and kneeled down and said

"Hi, Eric. How are you?" She was talking to the water...and this is freaking me out.

"Um...I just realized that it's my sister's birthday today."

"There is no excuse for helping mother nature." Aspen then grabbed my hand and shoved my face in the water,

"You WILL help mother nature! OR MOTHER NATURE SHALL KILL YOU! Let the oil that was dumped into this ocean suck you in." Oil?! I need to breathe air, but how?! Aspen has a good grip on me! When things started getting dark for me;there was no light for me to walk to, I heard a muffled shout. I felt Aspen's grip loosen as I got out of the oiled water, and breathed in fresh air. I've never been this happy to smell air. Anyway, I ran out of the water with all my might. I turned towards Aspen, to see if she was trying to catch me, but wasn't. Instead, she gave me a dirty look and went down into the oiled water. I never saw Aspen again after that.

"Noah! Are you okay?!" I turned towards the voice and saw Rick.

"No! My date is insane! She just killed herself!"

"I know this is a lot to process. I went through the same thing."

"You dated Aspen?!"

"Yeah...but I was going to leave because she started talking to her 'boyfriend'. But she got me and tried to drown me. Luckily, Aspen's mom came, so Aspen had to release me, so she can look kind. No matter how terrified I was towards Aspen, I didn't say a word to her mother. I knew that if I did, Aspen would kill me. Thank goodness that Aspen's mother said that Aspen had to go to sleep...I don't know why she just drowned in oily water. That doesn't seem like her."

"Thank goodness she's gone, though."

"...Are you going to try to find another girlfriend?"

"...Yeah. Raina better get someone sane."

Celina

"The prince was absolutely the only single wish my heart made. Guess my wish came true. But we never really talked much. Before he discovered my shoe. The night after we got married. I recounted all of my plights. Of how I fit inside a pumpkin. My canines turned to coachmen. Prince threw me in Bedlam that night. The white jackets say I'm nutty. Cause my clothes are sewn by rats. But their pills turn my brain to putty blargh. Now Lucifer's just not my cat. Their insulin puts me under. Shock therapy's made me insane. And after years of steady frying. The doctors gave up trying. They stuck two steel rods in my brain."

I went up to Raina the next day and said

"Can you please find me a sane girlfriend?"

"...You could date my friend Celina. She's nice and kind. Some say she's like Cinderella." Hmm...dating Cinderella...what would that be like? Cinderella is very kind and just wants a dream. A dream of getting a prince. And I am the prince.

"Sure. I could date Celina. You have her phone number or something?"

"Yeah. In fact, I have her address." Raina wrote the address down. 126 Sane Road. Even her street says she's sane. Well, that's good. When should I visit her? It'll be weird just barging in.

"Raina, how should I let her know that I'm coming?"

"She already knows you're coming." And Raina left. I looked all around me, just making sure no one was watching. No one was. Well, Raina has acted strange lately. Perhaps it was her strangeness talking. Anyway, at six that night, I went to 126 Sane Street. Her house is huge. It's like a factory. I go to the two metal doors and ring the tiny door bell. A woman with orange hair in a nurses outfit answered. She reminded me of the nurse in Pokémon. Don't judge that I forgot her name, Ringo is still teaching me Pokémon. Anyway, why is a nurse in Celina's home? Is this her mom and she just came home from work?

"Um, hello...I would like to see Celina."

"...Are you sure? H-How do you know about Celina? No one's come to visit her for years." Visit? No one? For years? Is this an orphanage?

"Um, I would still like to see her. Take me to her! I want to talk to her!"

"...Okay." I went inside and it looked like a prison. Thousands of cells were everywhere you looked. Now I'm thinking this is a prison. The nurse grabbed my hand and said

"It'll be safer if you stay close to someone sane." ? While the nurse and I walked past the cells, I saw people mumbling to themselves, clawing at walls, pretending to be on unicorns, and other weird things. We finally stopped at a big cell. The nurse grabbed a key from her pocket and opened the door. The room was white and the walls, ceiling, and floor was like pillows. I then saw a crouched figure on the ground. The figure was wearing a white shirt that made it's arms cross. Plus, the figure had short, messed up blonde hair.

"C-Celina? You have a guest." The nurse said frighten.

"I AM….SATAN!" The figure cried. The girl started running towards me, crazy looking. The nurse pulled me out of the room, slammed the door, locked the door, and opened the window. Celina was there, crossed eyed.

"You better leave." The nurse said.

"Noah…Raina told me you were coming*laughs crazily*" Alright, I'm leaving. What does sane mean to Raina?! She hooked me up with the most insane person in town! I've been almost killed twice now...I need to have a little talk with Raina.

Jolon

"Hey, I'm okay, but I'm slightly scared. My husband's a mark for the War on Terror. Aladdin was taken by the CIA. We're not Taliban. You've got the wrong man. In Guantanamo Bay. Prince Ali, where could he be, drowning in wawa. Interrogation from the nation of the "free". Bin Laden's taken the fall. We're not trained pilots at all. Jafar went crazing and no one put up a fuss. We're for freedom, Genie can vouch for us. Bush was crazy, Obama's lazy, al-Qaeda's not in this country. Set free my Prince Ali!"

"Raina, I don't want to date someone at this school or is a friend of yours. They're all insane!*sigh*I want you to go online and look up available teenage women. Try to find someone sane!"

"Okay. You're the boss." I'm going to be so angry at Raina if this next person is insane. Well, during class I was hanging out with Carter. Everybody else had a sport event or something. Carter was telling me his favorite creepy stories. I'm not even going to tell you the stories, they're so creepy. And if we were playing Park Bench, Carter would've won right off the bat. Anyway, we eventually talked about how I was looking for a girlfriend.

"A SANE girlfriend, huh? There's always Jolon."

"Who's that? Is she your sister? If so, I'm not dating her."

"No, Jolon and I used to date. Before creepy and fandoms were my thing. "

"Hmm...well is Jolon sane?"

"Sure. As long as you break her spirit."

"Wait, what?" And Carter vanished into a dark corner. Hmm...should I give Jolon a try? I mean, anybody who Carter talks about is creepy...but Jolon sounds kind. Okay, I'll go talk to Raina. I went to the library and said

"Raina, I found someone. Can you look her up on Facebook? Her name is Jolon." Raina went to Facebook, looked up Jolon, and we found her account. She has long black hair in a ponytail, tan skin like mine, and big black eyes. She looks amazing...but there was another picture of her and a guy. He looked like her brother, but the way they were looking at each other...does Jolon have a boyfriend already? We checked if she was single and it said she was. The boy must be her brother, than. So, I got her phone number and called her that night.

"Hello?"

"Hi, my name is Noah Fa. I'm looking for a girlfriend and-"

"Shut up! No! Forget it! After I lost Aladdin, I ain't dating nobody."

"Aladdin from the movie Aladdin…? And why are you talking like Pewds?"

"*sigh**crys*No one ever knew him. He was a criminal on the run. Then the CIA HAD to take him and drown him.*crys*I'll never be happy as long as he's gone. Kid, yeah, you on the phone."

"What, yeah?"

"Tell my family I love them." Then, all I could hear was a giant splash into water. What happened? Um...I think Jolon is gone...I guess she went insane after Carter dated her.*sigh*Back to the drawing bored.

Ran

"I spent a bloomin lifetime. To open my café. Then I took a dive in 2005. Now it's washed away. I was picked up by the chopper. After four nights on my roof. Now my new home is the Astrodome. Cause New Orléans ain't Katrina proof. Ya better carry around a shotgun.  
Or looters take your kids. Ya better pee inside of jam jars. Be sure to keep those lids. We needed Noah, but we got Bush. Our "savior" flew away and hid. Rough seas and levies. We're dead. Rough seas and levies. I'm dead."

Alright, I'm sorry, but I got bored of this story too. But, I know the ending. Plus, I'll write the lyrics to each princess. So, Noah dates a ton of insane girls. Ran: Ran was actually an awesome girlfriend to Noah, but she drowned and died, so it was back to the drawing board for Noah. Beowolf: Beowolf is super smart, but lives with wolves and acts like an animal. Elida: This girl is pure evil. She has posters of Hitler everywhere in her room. So, to Noah, Elida is a big nope. Phoebe: Is a killer. So, after seeing that his girlfriend tried to kill him, he decided to give up on dating. Noah gave up on finding someone. Until, Raina comes and cheers him up. That's when Noah realizes that Rina is for him. Then, they're about to kiss until Noah wakes up and says to himself 'Huh. That was a weird dream. Usually something that dramatic doesn't happen to Nowhere Man. I even had friends in the dream.' And it shows that Noah is just a nowhere man. Someone who lives in white space and has one object that can turn into anything. And that's Noah's life. He's a Nowhere Man. So, you can ask questions of the story now and I'll put the rest of the lyrics down -v

Millicent(I didn't put her lyrics down;Mulan)

"After saving China. I went home...alone. I was feeling conflicts in my lower zone. I've been dressing like a guy for months. Now I'm losing all control. I think I am a guy in my soul. I wanna be a man! Time to reinvent the new me. I get why my nickname is Ping! I've got the((I don't remember))and the bite of women. Plus the brute and the brawn of dudes. I know I'm ready for transformation, it's time to replace all these useless tubes!"

Beowolf(Belle)

"Oh, this town's been wild since I married Adam. They think I'm going straight down there((underworld)). But the charges slayed on me. Of beastilaty. Could wind up getting me thrown in a cell. Nooooo, I'm over run by mad-men. I hear they plan to burn me at, at the stands. Oooh, they believe I'm Satan, and now I hear that PETTA's gonna take my beast away. "

Elida(Elsa)

"There is no snow on the mountain tonight. Just sulfur in the air. A kingdom of greenhouse gases. Only Bill Nye seems to care. My town is melting breaking off into the sea. It's time I show the strength of an evil queen. With Germany and Putin too, I'll free the penguins, and throw you in a zoo. We're going green by spilling red and if you're not dead. I built a hoard of evil snowmen. They're gonna take over the world. Let it snow. Let it snow. Now fox news will need heat lamps. Let it snow. Let it snow. I hope you concentrate in camp. We don't care who we have to slay. Let my troops march on! The cold's coming back and it's here to stay."

Phoebe(Pocahontas)

"After John Smith traveled back to England. I helped my people cultivate the fields. More English, French, and Spaniards came to visit. And they greeted us with guns and germs and steel. They forced us into unknown lands of exile. LA LA LA LA LAAA(I'm not typing this part, you'll have to look it up if you want to know it). So now I'm far more liberal with a weapon. when I separate their bodies from their heads. Have you ever held the entrails of an English guy? Or bit the beating hearts of Spanish men? Can you shoot an arrow in some French guy's eye? Can you paint with the red colors in these men? I can murder if I please cause I'm dying of disease! I can paint with the red colors in these men."

The End


End file.
